I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
