Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
