Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
