found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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