hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
