apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
