she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
