Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
