who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
