Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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