My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
