are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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