there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
