Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
