my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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