Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
