I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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