Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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