Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
please don't ironically join a cult
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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