New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just want nice things and good sex
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
