Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
