I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
