i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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