I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
