i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
