two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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