I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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