I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
