I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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