Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
