My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
