if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I look better un-naked...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
