I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
time to smoke my breakfast
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
