At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
