He uses pillows to masturbate.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
