Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
