There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
