you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
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Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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