I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
