why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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