her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
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My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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