We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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