note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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