God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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