Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
