so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
