my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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