Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
