It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just want to make out with him forever
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
