I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
