Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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