Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
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That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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