My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
