So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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