my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
